Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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