So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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