Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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