I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize