I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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