I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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