who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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