Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
