How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
