There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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