I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
