I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
