my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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