It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
