My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
