i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
