You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
