Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
