he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
