I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
