It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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