he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
