You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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