Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
