Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
