watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
