just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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