I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
