we have officially lost it.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
