I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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