just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
