I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
