FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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