I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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