he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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