there's paper in my vomit.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
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