Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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