I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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