She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
