My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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