On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
