The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize