Pregnant stripper...not hot.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
