Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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