Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
