I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
