..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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