You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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