Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
