We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
