I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Randomize
