In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
