If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
