So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
