Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I'm like, not good at living.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
