He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize