why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
