I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
